Screaming in the dark

List!

2009-09-11T19:46:00.005+01:00

Goodness me! It's been a while. Few things have happened, I'll go through the list in order of bits and pieces I've done!

Make £250/£400 on Ebay (#04/#05) - I've been selling a few more things and I'm now at £148.75!
I also bought a 1980s snakeskin bag from a vintage store today, making #06 02/20
Stretched my lobes to 8mm, ALMOST AT THE GOAL! (#20)
I was tattooed today also, starting on task #31. I'm already itching to get more
Jack's Mannequin played Glasgow on the 31st of August, I was there to see it. Amazinggg. Taking #36 to 02/30
Russian class started this week too, I enjoyed the first lesson. (#47)
I also recently watched District 9, World Trade Center and United 93 (there was a recent theme on tv... as you can see) so #56 is at 21/50! Almost half way.
A friend of mine is currently in Iraq so I sent a large parcel to them the other week, bringing #72 to 02/10.
Guess what I did yesterday? I WENT SWIMMING. First time in 11 years. Completing #88! Awesome.

So I have managed to do some bits :]

Extra holes 365 / 007

2009-08-18T18:52:00.002+01:00

Extra holes 365 / 007

I'm currently suffering from a kidney infection (yey D:) so I've not been able to do much but here's what I've done lately -

Applied for a Russian Language course - Start Sept 7th (#47)
Continued with 365 days photo task (as seen above)
Purchased a swimsuit. Half way to #88
Purchased a piece of Vintage jewellery (#06) which is pictured below. HOW CUTE?!

Blemishes and all 365 / 005

2009-08-16T13:39:00.002+01:00

Blemishes and all 365 / 005

Another one for 365

Like ma hurrr?

2009-08-12T22:04:00.003+01:00

Like ma hurrr?

I've started 365 days photo task on Flickr (#55). I'll try post my new photo every day so beware!

Marc Jacobs watch, here I come!

2009-08-11T15:54:00.003+01:00

Received my vouchers today (#65)! Deeelish. Also been watching a few movies recently taking task #56 to the grand total of... 18. Haha.

14 - Click
15 - The Hangover
16 - Rolemodels
17 - Changeling
18 - Sex Drive

I liked all the movies, Click would have been better if it was another actor as the main character. Rolemodels was simply "okay" the others were good though!

I also watched another documentary (#63), "The man who predicted 9/11" which makes it 6/10. Not far to go!

Whew!

2009-07-30T16:26:00.003+01:00

I've completed two more tasks!! First up, #65 Win a competition. Yep! I won £200 worth of House of Fraser vouchers, exciting! I cant decide what I want to buy though. I need a watch and I really like the look of some Marc Jacobs watches but we'll see! I'm going to attack the site and find the best things I can get! Yey.

I also took someone up on an offer I'd normally decline (#59), I was asked by a friend to enter Miss BBW UK 2010. It's like a pageant for big girls. I'll quote the site in a moment, but this is something I'd never even consider. I was given a push and asked a few people whether they thought it was a good idea and they all agreed it'd be good for me so, I'm waiting on the application form and I'm attending the first heat in November!

The criteria for entry is that you must be age 18 or over and a size 20 or above, you must also be willing to appear in the media, as the winner will be required to be the spokesperson for bbw’s in the UK, appear in magazine and newspaper articles, photo shoots, making personal appearances and other assignments from June 2010 – June 2011. The winner may also be required to travel if required to do so by sponsors of the competition and this may involve overseas travel and assignments, a truly exciting challenge!

I've also been watching documentaries to bring #63 upto 4/10. I've been using 4od & Iplayer, I highly recommend both! The documentaries I watched were "Ninety naps a day", "Tears, Tiaras and Transexuals" & "Virgin School". The last one was rather creepy though, I admit.

Another one down!

2009-07-22T18:11:00.003+01:00

I have completed task 61! I completed it on the 18th ofcourse but I just haven't updated. I also added one more to #01 & #53. I've started task 62 aswell. I think this one will be the one I struggle with most as I do not usually eat breakfast but I'm actually enjoying weetabix at the moment so I'm hoping to get a month completed! I started this on the 20th of July.

Not much else to update on. I'm needing to start some more of the tasks I have on my list. Argh!

20/100

2009-07-13T15:53:00.003+01:00

I'm attempting to add more to #14. I also had a date this weekend (#91) but it was ruined by a backhanded compliment. Still, 2 down. For #14 I'm updating it 10 at a time. I've crossed one out as it doesnt matter anymore so I'll add another to make up for it at the end.

100 things that make me happy (work in progress)
001. The "new text" symbol on my phone.
002. Crisp white bedding and feather pillows.
003. Freshly waxed legs.
004. Handwritten letters.
005. Being able to see the stars.
006. Music being played really loud through headphones.
~~007. Seeing a certain someone <3~~
008. Summer rain.
009. The sound of a tattoo gun.
010. Rocky Horror Picture Show.
011. Winston (our youngest dog) meeting me at the bottom of my stairs in the morning.
012. Having two seats to myself on the train.
013. Unexpected phone calls from friends.
014. Compliments (come on, who doesnt like them?!)
015. Good skin days.
016. Wearing heels.
017. Disney movies.
018. Guessing what song is coming on next & getting it right.
019. Stretching my lobes.
020. The Amelie soundtrack.

Clouds crash

2009-07-10T15:33:00.003+01:00

I've been distant once again. I watched Ice Age 3 the other day, taking #56 to 13/50. I've booked tickets / hotel for a gig in August. I'd like to go to more but I'm really quite annoyed with supposed friends at the moment and have no one to go with. But I DEFINATELY will go to this one. I need to.
I've made some effort with #15 and have been convinced that I can infact class someone as a friend now. I'm really struggling to realise what a friend is so this task will be rather difficult due to not knowing the "levels" of friendship, if that.

I really really do need to go through my list and get some more sorted. Possible date tomorrow. I need to get some courage but it'll help towards #91 so I could use that as an excuse to push me onto the train ;)

One more in progress!

2009-06-28T11:03:00.002+01:00

Task #91 (go on ten dates) is now in progress. I had a date yesterday, it was rather last minute. We were planning on seeing eachother next Saturday but he called yesterday morning and asked to see him in 2hours. It was a rush but also successful. Well actually, what would one class as a successful date? We didnt flee. Both into each other, there wasn't any awkward silences either. I'd class that as a success.

Still carrying on with #61. 9 days so far!!

Wonky few weeks

2009-06-21T14:44:00.004+01:00

I've been failing completely lately. I've been dealing with a lot and I've been feeling a bit wonky since. I attempted #82 - Say "I love you" & hear it back, but I was rejected and after 2years of knowing the person and being lied to / lead on, I decided to cut off contact. I'm not going to class this as a failed task because it's something I can try again, but because of this whole situation I've been quite a sad panda and attempted a few other tasks while I was visiting a friend but didn't manage. I was supposed to be seeing a band on Tuesday, a band I've been very excited about seeing but my confidence has been knocked so I'm not going. Task #36 is going to be a struggle.

I have made money from the tickets I initially had to go to the gig so #04/#05 are getting closer to the targets! Yey! I'm also not drinking fizzy drinks (#61). I'd not drank any for about a week but on Thursday I slipped up and had a diet coke with my Jack Daniels (What else could I mix it with?) so I'm counting from Friday. Fingers crossed I manage 30 days! It'll be Saturday the 18th of July after 30 days I think. I'll try keep updating though.

I've been ordered to update!

2009-06-13T09:00:00.003+01:00

As the title says. I've been asked to update, I didn't realise people read this! I thank you for the reminder though, Kit! I've not been upto much unfortunately. I'll update anyhoo. I recently saw "Up". I highly recommend it! It's such a sweet story and there were a few times I got a little teary. This takes #56 to 12/50! Recommend some more movies for me. 38 to go!

I also bought another scratch card (#07), I didn't win otherwise I would've managed to complete "Stay in a 5 star hotel" and pretty much MOST of the travel section of my list! My Ebay total keeps increasing too (#04, #05), I'm just as quickly spending it but the fact I managed to MAKE it is what counts haha.

I'm having some problems with #15 - Make 20 new friends, as I'm not sure what one would class as "friendship". Does anyone have any definition I should go off? Talk more than _____ a week? Just the two of us being able to hang out? I'm really not sure. Stupid me! Making a task I'm not sure whether I've partially completed.

Later today I'm going to try and update again, get some tasks completed. Only at 7/101! 880 days to go!

I am a Gentleman.

2009-05-30T21:37:00.004+01:00

I had a movie day recently. I watched, "The Tale of Despereaux" which was actually lovely. I also watched Igor, which I enjoyed too! I'm obviously a child at heart, loving animated movies.

I'll let you sew buttons in my eyes.

2009-05-27T09:05:00.002+01:00

I watched Coraline yesterday, I really enjoyed it. I'm not usually a big fan of obvious fantasy but this was awesome :) I was wary about it as the last Tim Burton film I watched (Corpse Bride) was damn awful. Oh! Sweeney Todd too, Just horrible. So I was a little worried this would disappoint but no! Highly recommended.

I also watched "The Knowing" but that just doesnt deserve it's own entry.

Two more down for #56

Stressypants!

2009-05-25T09:39:00.003+01:00

I've failed at updating lately as I've been busy BUT I'm going through my list now and trying to sort out what I can do even though things are hectic.

MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS STILL NEEDED! :]

I'm a lady!

2009-05-11T19:15:00.002+01:00

Today I had a manicure. Well actually, I had acrylics put on and then a manicure as I'm a biter. Or rather, was. I was a biter. I'm gonna try keep length! That means I've completed #18. 7/101!

My name is Charlotte Gray

2009-05-04T18:11:00.003+01:00

I watched Charlotte Gray the other night. It was quite good, though the fact they were supposed to be French bugged me. They had French accents but didnt speak French in the movie and it definately annoyed me while I was watching but otherwise it was a good movie.

Slice me.

2009-05-04T17:56:00.004+01:00

I am a donor! That means I've completed #23!! Stoked. I also went out to lunch with my mother twice since my last update, and paid both times. That means #77 is half way to being completed. I got my course materials for the Astronomy course I'm starting this month (#45) and I'm currently looking at gigs coming up in the next few months to try and get a few more for #36.

Inside I'm dancing

2009-04-24T09:52:00.002+01:00

Making my way through #56! I watched "Inside I'm Dancing", which is also known as "Rory O'Shea was here" the other day and it was awesome. I highly recommend it. Definately inspiring.

5 down!

2009-04-24T09:38:00.003+01:00

I have quite a lot to update on!! Been super busy with my Granda still so there's more I could be doing but haven't had time. With the stress of the hospital we've been eating out a lot more and I buy lunch one time for family (#77). I did purchase myself a laptop though (#09) and went to a gig last week (#36) which was awesome. While at the gig I approached a nice man and got talking which eventually gave me the courage to ask for his number. Number #86 completed! I've also applied for a course which starts on the 16th of May so I'll be working my way through #45.

I've watched a documentary, "Mega-Tsunami - Wave of destruction" and actually quite enjoyed it. Just need a few more to complete #63.

This means I've completed 5 tasks and I'm currently working on 19! Slowly getting there.

I'm Ben Stiller. I annoy you.

2009-04-07T20:37:00.002+01:00

Most of the films I'm watching for #56 seem to be really bad movies. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa wasn't exactly amazing. I think it's because I hate Ben Stiller.

RECOMMEND MOVIES!

I'm having such a stressy time at the moment because of hospitals and pcworld being dicks but, I'm seeing a few favourites and the MOST favourite in just over a week and also going to a gig! I really need to finish another task, I feel so weird not finishing one for ages. I'm going to spare a day once my Granda gets back from hospital to go over the list and write down things I could get done soon. Yes!

Monsters vs Aliens

2009-04-03T20:17:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I watched Monsters vs Aliens and was very disappointed. It was too fast, you didnt really get to know any of the characters and it just seemed rushed. I enjoyed the fact Rainn Wilson sounded like Tim Curry but that was about it. Still, 4/50 now (#56)! I also stretched my lobe to 6mm (#20). Woo! A load of things happening in the next few weeks which will cover a couple of tasks too, will be updated!

Oh fight me

2009-03-31T11:30:00.004+01:00

Again, not updated in a while due to family matters, but my granda is better so should be posting more often from now! I failed #74. Take part in Earth Hour 2009. This is partly due to the fact I've not been on my computer for a while (the alarm for earth hour was set on my computer) and I've been so busy I forgot when it was.

To make up for a failure, apart from donating to a charity, I've planned to get a tattoo either late this week or early next (#31). I'm also emailing some artists about a halfsleeve to be done at the North Lakes Tattoo Show next month. Quite excited.

Mama, I want hot dogs. I want hot dogs, Mama.

2009-03-23T21:26:00.004Z

I've not updated for a while due to ill health and my granda being in hospital. BUT! I did manage to watch "What's eating Gilbert Grape?" yesterday and I loved it. I've never seen it before which is shocking but I'm glad I've watched it now. 3 down for #56!

Progress

2009-03-13T14:37:00.003Z

Another short update as I'm not completing tasks, just making my way through some of them. I sent off a package to Laura (#72) yesterday which was full of very delayed birthday presents. 9 more to go! I also purchased a scratch card (#07) while I was down at the post office and won... NOTHING. Sadness. But still, 1 down, 9 to go.

Going to a gig next month, can't wait to get started on #36!

Flyby update

2009-03-11T18:39:00.002Z

I ordered the most beautiful frames yesterday. Get my glasses in about a week! I've not been upto much, list wise. I stretched my ears upto 5mm (#20), sent 3 letters in total to friends (#58) and made some cash online (#04 / #05). On Friday I'm going to go through the list and try to get a few more things done :]

-1.25 ~ -1.00

2009-03-05T20:05:00.002Z

Photo: goingnowhere

Today I had my eye test. I need glasses. Unfortunate! I knew I would though, everything was getting blurry. The above photo isnt mine, obviously. I've not chosen frames yet as I don't suit glasses and don't want contacts! UGH! But either way, that's #25 done! I also added £5 to my savings account as needed for #01.
Today I sent a letter to a friend as I really need to start on #58. I'm going to buy some second class stamps next week (when my local post office has electricity again. WTF?) and send out as many letters as I can.
I went through my list today and realised I needed to go to 30 gigs (#36) so I booked a hotel room for a show in April and I'm wondering whether to wear heels for that too (#94). I'll be sure to update!

Failure.

2009-03-04T23:37:00.003Z

So I've failed a task! #66. I didnt manage to not use the computer for a full day in February. By the time I realised this, it was the 28th and I'd already checked emails. So thats £3 to a charity, but I'm going to wait until the end of 1001 days as it's a bit silly to send £3.
I also made an appointment to get my eyes tested (#25) but I won't class it as completed until I actually go to the appointment.

Tomorrow I'm going to re-read my list and try get a few things completed/in progress as I've not really focused on the list for a while as I've been busy. Here's hoping I'll get a few more crossed off!

How can you read? ~ My mother taught me.

2009-03-01T01:32:00.003Z

Forgot to say in the last entry, I did ADIML on the 27th of February and just posted it on the community, link below!

ADIML - 27th February 2009

So this is a third of task #57 done! It's not an exciting entry but I knew if I didn't do it, I'd forget about that task as I really struggle to photograph a whole day. Nevermind 3!

Slumdog Millionaire

2009-02-28T23:12:00.002Z

Today I watched "Slumdog Millionaire" after however long it's been out in cinemas and however many awards it's won. I thought it was okay. It's not on my favourites list but it was good. Plus, it all helps with #56. I'm trying to get through the easiest tasks first and then moving onto most of the items in "Travel & Explore" & "Learning" which will be the most time consuming. If I finish most of the list this year, I have plenty of time to focus on the aforementioned sections of the list.

Had my head shaved.

2009-02-27T22:12:00.002Z

Today I had my hair cut! Thus finishing #21. I'll post photos once the cut has settled as it's still a bit confused as to where to sit haha. I have also put £5 in my savings account for #01. So that's two tasks down and 99 to go... I'm not sure which to start next, suggestions?

First completed task!

2009-02-25T23:06:00.002Z

Today I set up a savings account and put some cash in it. I've decided to use this as a completed task because otherwise I wouldn't be able to cross it off until the very last day and I'm just glad I got it sorted in the first place so, I've completed my first task!

Number 08, you are DONE. I've also added £5 to the savings account to count towards #01.

What makes you happy?

2009-02-24T23:32:00.003Z

Today I started on task #14. I'm going to do it slowly as I really struggle to think of things that make me happy. I'll post the list so far below this update. I also finished reading "Diary of a married call girl" by Tracy Quan. I didn't like this one so much. The main character was too annoying and I really didn't like the character of Allison. I have "Diary of a jetsetting call girl" to read but I'm not sure if I'd enjoy it... here's hoping! Either way, it's all helping towards #54.
I'm going to try get a library card next week (#98) and I might get a hair cut appointment this week (#21).

Write a list of 100 things that make me happy [10/100]

001. The "new text" symbol on my phone.
002. Crisp white bedding and feather pillows.
003. Freshly shaved legs.
004. Handwritten letters.
005. Being able to see the stars.
006. Music being played really loud through headphones.
007. Seeing a certain someone <3
008. Summer rain.
009. The sound of a tattoo gun.
010. Rocky Horror Picture Show.

My brows match my hair now...

2009-02-22T13:21:00.002Z

Today I dyed my hair. Which is... half of #21. I'm still deciding on a cut, but I went from red to brown. It looks good :)
I also finished a book yesterday, "Diary of a Manhattan call girl" by Tracy Quan. I enjoyed it. I think it's the whole thing of not being able to do something myself so I read about it and it makes up for the fact I could never be a high class escort :P either way, this helps me with #54.

I'm freeee. Sort of.

2009-02-20T16:37:00.003Z

Today I paid off a store card! In one go. I'm so glad too as it was the worst company. Kept over-charging me if I missed a payment by a day. So that means I've finished half of #03.
I also bought 3 new books to help me along with #54. I'm 2/3 through one of them so I'll probably be updating again tomorrow! Tonight I'm going to try find some films to watch that I've not seen before.

Any recommendations?

This is England

2009-02-17T10:48:00.006Z

Last night I watched "This is England". It was horrifying. I know it's not really that bad compared to some movies which deal with skinheads but I definately didn't enjoy it. I made myself watch it though because I've heard so much about it and it also helps towards task #56.
I also asked a lovely man on a date last night, but due to distance it might not happen for a while. Still! It may very well help with task #91. I'll keep this updated, ofcourse.

In the beginning...

2009-02-16T14:16:00.004Z

I've not updated since "The List" but I've now started with my tasks. I re-arranged the list so it's easier to read, I also put the list in the sidebar with information on which are in progress and which I've completed.

I aquired a jar for #13 and I've started paying off my store cards [#03]. I've been tapering my lobes since before the list but I added it as I'm no where near my ideal gauge. Hopefully item #20 will be done within a year so I can start wearing pretty plugs and tunnels instead of the usual steel ones I wear after stretching!

The List

2009-02-13T15:28:00.001Z

The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:
Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Some common goal setting tips:
1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.

2. Stay Focussed. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.

3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.

4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.

5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

Saving and Spending

Save £5 for every task completed [0/101]
Donate £3 for every task not completed to WWF or Bornfree
Pay off store cards and cancel [0/2]
Make £250 on ebay / [0/250]
Make £400 on ebay / [0/400]
Purchase 20 vintage pieces of clothing / accessories instead of something new [0/20]
Buy 10 scratch cards (not at once) and keep track of winnings, if any.
Start / get a savings account - Have 4 digits by the end of 1001 days
Use saved money from completed goals to buy a laptop
Purchase a corset
Buy myself a really nice piece of jewellery
Buy a blues CD
Fill a jar with 5p, 10p, 20p, 50p. Silvers in general.

Self

Write a list of 100 things that make me happy [0/100]
Make 20 new friends
Read a self help book and feel the benefit
Identify 25 things I like about me [0/25]
Get a manicure
Celebrate my birthday with 10 or more people
Stretch my lobes up to 10mm [4mm/10mm]
Get a new hair cut and colour
Get down to a clothing size 18
Become a donor
Decide on a career and work towards it
Make an appointment to get my eyes tested
Go out with friends and stay sober for one night
Go 2 months without prescription meds and try St Johns Wart [0/61]
Have an epiphany
Find a hobby and stick with it
Personal
Get 3 new tattoos [0/3]

Travel and Explore

Visit 5 Museums [0/5]
Go to the theatre 3 times [0/3]
Visit Las Vegas
Travel out of the country 5 times [0/5]
Go to 30 gigs [0/30]
Go to a TV show filming
Go to Edinburgh
Go on a ghost tour (in Edinburgh?)
Spend a weekend with a friend in a 5* hotel
Visit a zoo
Go camping
Be a tourist in my own county - Cumbria (must visit atleast 2 tourist attractions)
Visit a stripclub
Finish a course - to be decided on
Knit a scarf

Learning

Learn enough of another language to hold a conversation
Learn sign language
Learn a musical instrument
Learn how to belly dance
Learn how to play poker
Either learn to drive or be learning once 1001 days comes around

Challenge

Write a post for every completed task [0/101]
Read 50 books I've not read before [0/50]
Do Flickr 365 days photo task
Watch 50 movies I've not seen before [0/50]
Do ADIML 3 times [0/3]
Send 101 letters / postcards [0/101]
Take someone up on an offer I would normally decline
Make another 101 list once this one has finished
Have no fizzy drinks for a month [0/30]
Eat breakfast everyday for one month [0/30]
Watch 10 documentaries I've not seen before [0/10]
Write a letter to a magazine and have it published
Win a competition
Go one day a month without going on the computer [0/33]
Drink green tea everyday for a fortnight [0/14]
Cook 30 meals from cookbooks that I've not cooked before [0/30]
Post OOTD to Fatshionista 10 times [0/10]

Be a better person

Set up a donation with WWF or Bornfree
Adopt/sponser an animal
Send 10 packages to friends [0/10]
Bake a birthday cake for someone
Take part in Earth Hour 2009
Send 5 letters of appreciation to companies [0/5]
Make 10 mix CDs for people [0/10]
Go to lunch with / buy dinner for a member of my family 6 times [0/6]
Bake cookies for my Nanna & Da
Send someone flowers
Buy a round of drinks for everyone I'm with on a night out
Donate 1,000,000 grains of rice on freerice.com [0/1,000,000]

Just for me

Say "I love you" & hear it back
Post a secret to postsecret
Go on a cliche movie-dinner date
Read a classic novel
Approach a guy and have a conversation with him. Make the first move!
Find the best self help Borderline Personality Disorder book and buy it
Go swimming
Kiss someone under mistletoe
Hear the words, "I'm proud of you"
Go on 10 dates [0/10]

For fun

Try vegetarian sushi
Make my own ice cream with the perfect flavours
Wear heels for one night out, ALL night.
Go to a halloween party in costume
Watch the complete series of Six Feet Under
Go to the cinema 10 times [0/10]
Get a library card. Use it.
Hang out with Erin!
Make a snowman
Take photos of Oscar & Winston, frame them

Start : Friday, 13 February 2009

End : Friday, 11 November 2011

2008-02-25T21:41:00.000Z

Taken from http://theshapeofdays.com/
Couldn't write this better myself. Wish I wrote it! Wish I could be so... open about it.

--

Some of my friends know this already. Like, two of them. I think. Others may have guessed. Most, particularly my casual acquaintances, probably have no idea.

I have a mental illness. It’s very serious.

It’s called “borderline personality disorder.” The reason they call it “borderline” is because it’s right there on the cusp between normal and psychotic. Yeah, I said psychotic. Due to a brain defect or malfunction, psychotic people perceive the world in a fundamentally different way from normal people. Psychotic people might hallucinate or they might not, but the defining characteristic is what the doctors call a profound disconnect from reality. What they think is going on isn’t actually what’s going on.

My problem — I don’t have a good word for it; call it a disease, handicap or disability and my eyes roll — my problem is a little different from that. I also have a profound disconnect from reality. But I’m aware that I have it. That’s what puts me on the borderline, rather that right in the middle of psychosis.

The defining characteristic of my whatever-you-want-to-call-

it is an inability to form and maintain normal human relationships. Romantic, platonic, social, professional, whatever. I have a deep-seated fear of abandonment. I often feel betrayed for no reason. I believe that I am a worthless human being, and consequently doubt that anyone could actually desire my company/love me/enjoy talking to me at a party, et cetera. Out of fear of losing personal bonds, I push people away as a defensive reaction. See, I think they’re just going to abandon me anyway, so fuck ‘em.

I go through periods of uncontrollable rage. That is to say, the rage is uncontrollable. I get angry for no good reason, or at best for a very, very insignificant reason, and it doesn’t go away readily. I’m not dangerous in any meaningful sense, at least not to others. But I can be very difficult to be around.

My mood swings have been clocked as being faster than the speed of sound. Believe me, if we could find a way to harness my mood swings, we’d never have to burn a drop of oil again.

During times of extreme stress, I experience what the doctors call dissociation. I sort of lose control of my thoughts and actions. I see myself from the outside, with no conscious control over what I’m saying. I find that I’ve said things I never meant to say, never should have meant to say. It’s an extremely difficult sensation to describe, and an extremely unpleasant one to experience.

I was talking to a friend — one of the two people — recently. She asked me, “If you realize this is going on, why can’t you just not do it?” I think I laughed, though I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s the most obvious question in the world. It’s just that the answer is also obvious, if difficult to understand. The part of my brain I would ordinarily use to make judgments and draw conclusions is the very part that’s affected by this problem. I can’t just don’t-be-like-that because my brain literally doesn’t work that way.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the bible of sorts for the study of the mind, compiling the sum total of human understanding — such as it is — of psychiatry, includes a nine-point checklist of characteristics that mark a person who may have a borderline personality. I score eight out of nine. That’s the best score I’ve gotten on a test since high school.

Here’s the bad news. My problem is essentially incurable. There’s no pill for it. There’s no universally, or even widely, effective combination of drugs and psychotherapy. I am extremely resistant to therapy or counseling because I have such serious problems developing trust. I am the best liar you’ve ever seen. On the worst day of my life I can tell you I’m fine, even great, and make you believe it. Because I’m so afraid you’ll abandon me — where “you” is a friend, lover or somebody trying to help — because you see me as different, less normal, less whole, less … lovable.

Being the way I am has cost me nearly every job I’ve ever had. It’s cost me nearly every relationship, of any type, I’ve ever had. It’s gotten me into so much financial trouble that I can’t even imagine, much less see, a way out. It has, in a very real sense, ruined my life. Sorry for the melodrama, but I’m just trying to explain this as best I can.

I’d like to take a sidebar here and say that this is an extremely difficult post to write. My curse, if I can be allowed a moment of self-pity here, is that I’ve got this extremely serious and, yes, life-threatening disorder of the brain, but I’m left aware and rational enough to understand the stigma associated with it, and to fear being treated as a disabled person rather than just as a person. This, in a nutshell, fucking sucks.

So why am I doing this? Why am I “coming out” like this? The honest answer is that I don’t know what else to do any more. I’ve tried everything I’ve ever known how to try. I’ve gone to the emergency room seeking admission as a psychiatric inpatient. (I do not recommend this, by the way, unless you think spending twelve hours handcuffed to a chair next to a drooling meth addict is lots-o-laffs.) I’ve attempted to confide in friends. I’ve been on drugs — the prescription kind, I mean. I’ve seen therapists. I’ve even prayed, back before the Almighty — if He even exists — stopped taking my calls.

So now I’m screaming in the dark.

Maybe there’s somebody out there. Maybe there’s somebody out there who’s like me. Somebody who’s learned to live and function with this … ugh. This handicap, for lack of a better word. Maybe that person will send me an e-mail with a magic incantation for surviving with this.

Or maybe I’ll be that person for somebody else. Maybe some twenty-year-old girl is sitting out there right now, in the wee hours of a Sunday morning, crying in her dorm room and wondering why she can’t be like everyone else. To that person, whomever and wherever you are, I don’t have any answers. I’m sorry. I don’t really believe, deep down, that anyone does. I probably can’t be your friend, just like you can’t be mine. People like us can’t really have friends, not in the long run. But understand that you are not alone. I’m in this too. Right there with you.

Maybe that’ll help somebody.

I honestly don’t know.